Now I am not complaining about spin class, I love spin class. I am complaining about the middle-aged, stumpy ball of douche-braggery that teaches this prime time slot.
I've been to Simon's class twice now, and have been sorely disappointed in myself. Especially the second time, after complaining to the robot redhead at the front desk about him and writing a formal complaint, she begged me to give him another chance as he "might be having an off day." Fool me twice, shame on me.
Simon arrives late and leaves the lights on, which is against all mercy rules of spin classes globally. No one wants to be seen heaving up the hill climbs like some Tibetan yak! Here is a rundown of the class in a scale of "time left" which was the way my mind was forced to work so that I could leave this freakin nightmare without looking like the rude or soft little bitch who couldn't hack it.
55 minutes to go - Simon walks in, 5 minutes late, carrying our "inspiration for the class"
54 minutes to go - Simon shows us this 24x12 inch framed photo of Lance Armstrong, which he has snuck into the background of. He claims he is talking to Lance in this photo, I think it looks like Lance is walking away. Why the HELL did he bring a framed photo of himself photobombing Lance Armstrong to our spin class?
53 minutes to go - Simon puts on Katy Perry's "California Girls" and gets on the bike
52 minutes to go - Simon needs to tie his shoes, class won't start yet
51 minutes to go -Simon gets off the bike to walk around the room and skeez on the women under the pretext of meeting everyone. He introduces himself to me. "Heeeey, I don't think I've met you yet.. I'm Simon" I tell him my name, unimpressed. "You are looking comfortable on that bike, how are you feeling?" he asks. "READY FOR CLASS TO START" I say through clenched teeth.
48 minutes to go -Simon gets on his bike, finally starts class. Replays Katy Perry's California Girls and sings along with Katy in the parts when she flirts with Snoop.
42 minutes to go -First song is over. Katy Perry comes on again. He will again repeat this song. Simon asks "Oh was that hard? I could have rode like that for an HOUR"
38 minutes to go -Simon asks how we are going. No one answers. He says "no one asks how I am doing. No one CARES how I am doing." A moment later: "Not even my CAT cares about how I am doing"
35 minutes to go -Simon yells my name in the microphone and asks "How you doing over there?! I can't see you" I stare at the floor and ignore him.
31 minutes to go - Brief recovery period. Simon puts his towel on his head and announces that he is a pharoah. He cries out "LET MY PEOPLE GO"
30 minutes to go - the guy on the bike in front of me is clearly fit enough to complete the class but is too unimpressed with Simon's methods to continue. He politely wipes his bike and peaces out.
26 minutes to go -Simon is screaming the lyrics of the song into the microphone. Like blood curdling screaming.
22 minutes to go - The woman next to me says "eff this" to herself and jumps ship.
20 minutes to go - "What gear is everyone on now? FYI I'm on 16" (an impossibly high gear to ride sitting down) Some hero yells out 17 and Simon gets sheepish.
15 minutes to go -Simon tells us we will begin a 6 minute hill climb. He then threatens to follow it with a second 6 minute hill climb. At this stage, we have only been doing 6 minute hill climbs.
10 minutes to go -Simon yells at me again by name. "HEY LAUREN HOW YA DOING NOW??" Again I blatantly ignore him.
9 minutes to go - Simon holds up one finger and asks the class "How many hands am I holding up?" He made the same joke in the last class. Again, no laughs.
8 minutes to go -Simon prematurely ends class to start cooldown exercise to Chris Isaac's "Wicked Games" which I thought was highly inappropriate sexy song for a well-lit sweaty stretch fest. I finally leave in a huff.
I drew an illustration on the bus this morning to enlighten you.
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