As heard around Australia..

"Instead of seeing Transformers 3, watch a crack addict go through withdrawals in Crime Alley. It will have a better plot."

-On my twitter feed

How do I get myself into these situations?

So my company is working with an Australian Food Channel to do a cooking demonstration and the correspondent from that company sent over photos of the video shoot.

I politely asked if he was the one in the photo since the title of the image had his name in it.

This was my fatal mistake.

He replied:

Hi There,

Yes that is me, in the distance.. the good looking one.. hahahaha although you can barely see me. The other is the guy in the videos..

Also attached is another picture from several years ago when i did Sylvester Stallones birthday party.. can you see how i have retained my youthful good looks?

Chat Soon,

And attached was not only a photo of him alone doing a demonstration but a photo of him, presumably 20 years ago with a young Sylvester Stallone, at some party with female mannequin legs hanging from the ceiling.

I am struggling to come up with a response.

Top News Story of the Day

Ex Prime Minister BOB Hawke's eldest daughter denies she slapped his wife (her stepmom) in an angry encounter in an airport lounge.

Federal Police earlier confirmed an incident in which Sue Pieters-Hawke and her stepmother, Blanche d'Alpuget, had to be physically separated by authorities in the Qantas's exclusive Chairman's Lounge at Brisbane Airport on Thursday afternoon.

It has been reported that Sue slapped Blanche four times.

This was the biggest news story of the day.

I'd love to see Chelsea Clinton and Monica Lewinsky in a fist fight at an airport! You know Monica would sit on her and it would get ugly.

Slapper -->

First World Problems

High School Fight Club

Rule #1: You don't talk about the fight club
Rule #2: You don't leave mobile phones sitting around with secret footage of the fight club

24 Adelaide high school students suspended after the administration found a phone with the kids' fight club videos on it. Good to see that this movie is still kicking around 12 years later and it takes me back to my college days when the freshmen had a few fight club brawls in the dorm parking lot. Until someone brought a gun. Isn't packing heat against all the core principles of a fight club!?

Smokers' Warnings

I just received word that the American FDA will be mandating "graphic" photo warnings to appear on cigarette boxes as of Oct 2012. Yes some of these are gross. Well, I have news for you, comrades:

It gets worse.

I've seen this in other countries since 2005, and they are much scarier than that woman simply crying in the center photo. The Aussie gov't doesn't screw around. Since 2006, not only must the pics be truly terrifying and rotated every year, but they must cover 90% of the front of the pack and 30% of the back.

See the horror of Australian cigarette packaging unfold below...















































Now ain't that some shit?

This would never happen here

American man robs bank to get healthcare. He walked into the bank and handed the teller a note that demanded "$1 and medical attention."

He is now laying in low in jail on larceny charges (his $1 demand did not qualify for a bank robbery sentence). He skips dinner to avoid contact with inmates and is going to get treated for the protruding bulge on his chest and back problems from his 17 years as a Coca-Cola delivery job. Getting laid off during the GFC is why he had to stoop to such lows, but has vowed to do it again if they cut him loose!

You're a Legend, Sir!

A 3-year-old boy from Sydney really took charge of the situation last week. Problem: he wanted a toy in the claw machine. Dilemma: he didn't have the money or the skill to win it. Solution: when his mom turned around, she saw his little feeties disappear up the prize chute.

It took 30 minutes to free little Tyler but the end result: Tyler sleeps with his free stuffed Tiger every night. Winning.

Melbourne - Volcanic Smash

Went to Melbourne for the long weekend. This trip was for a 30th birthday party at Yarra Valley wine country that seemed more like a 21st. Crazy bus behavior, vomiting, nudie runs, bar evictions and hospital visits ensued. The rest of the trip was pretty calm, dinners, drinking and shopping!

Well, until a volcano erupted and threw our return trip home plans all out of whack. Our Monday am flight was canceled, and as we watched news of Adelaide cancellations on Monday night, we decided the best course of action was to drive the 9 hours back to Adelaide in a $400/day rental. In the end, our rebooked Wednesday flight did end up flying, but over 60,000 others were effected by volcanic ash in the air that threatens to cause engine failure. Interestingly enough, Virgin flights still flew at a suspicious lower altitude that "isn't effected." Why can't other planes fly at this altitude? Too cheap to fight the wind resistance? See photos of the ash circling the globe taken from space here.







Hey how cool is it that Crocodile Dundy drove our bus?

Dalai Lama makes a funny

The Prime Minister Julia Gillard has refused to meet with the Dalai Lama during his trip to Australia this time around. This has spurred the following reply (/diss) from the Dalai Lama himself:




Also, I was pretty amused by the following joke that the host of the National Morning Televison show delivered to the Dalai Lama

Carl: The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and says "Make me one with everything"
Dalai Lama: (silent)
Carl: Get it?

It's Cheese'O'Clock!

This is what my life has come to - blogging about my arch-nemesis, Cheese.

Enjoy this guide to wine and cheese pairing cause its a long weekend in Oz. Queen's birthday! (which was in April, when I posted a pic of Her Royal Heiny and her tiara-ed corgis).

Spending the weekend in Melbourne with my boyfriend for his friend's 30th. And also 37 of his other closest friends- Massive!

Seeyas

China and North Korea top Global Happiness Survey

North Korean "Global Happiness Index" ranks China no. 1, USA dead last

China is the happiest place on earth(!!) according to a new global happiness index released by North Korea's Chosun Central Television. China earned 100 out of 100 points, followed closely by North Korea (98 points), then Cuba, Iran, and Venezuela. Coming in at 203rd place is America (or rather "the American Empire", 美帝国), with only 3 happiness points. South Korea got a measly 18 points for 152nd place.


Did I mention that this Index was created by North Korea themselves?

Methinks the criteria for "happiness" is having a dictator/psychotic horse in a burning stable run your country. I assume that people who don't have enough to eat are surviving off air bubbles of elation. Oh and throw in numerous guards toating heavy machinery to really put that smile on the masses' faces. This could be a wee bit biased.

Aussie Pride in PERTH

I especially love the memorial to the all too common crotch-to-the-face-ing that happens in footy

PERTH pt 1

Went to Perth for work, but went on the weekend to stay with my friend Stef and her newly minted husband. She took me out to the bar til late Sat night, and then we explored the beach, the Little Creatures Brewery and Fremantle the next day. Will post more tomorrow, but for now enjoy the snaps, including the equivalent of my car with a SNORKEL on it. Yup, the cars are tricked out for a peak at the barrier reef.

Best/Most Ridiculous News Article I've Ever Read

Music of Aussie rockers AC/DC proves irresistable to sharks

(Headline: Irresistible spelled wrong)

THEY'VE sold 200 million albums worldwide but AC/DC has an unexpected new fan - the majestic great white shark.

Eyre Peninsula tourism operator Matt Waller has discovered that great whites are attracted to the Australian hard rock band more than any other - even more than berley.

Several times a week his Adventure Bay Charter company cruises down to Shark Bay at the Neptune Islands, south of Port Lincoln, to view the world's largest predatory fish.

The sharks are particularly attracted to top-selling songs If You Want Blood and Shook Me All Night Long with their low frequencies.

Mr Waller discovered the unusual attraction for sharks when taking tourists out on his swim with great white sharks trips.

"We know the AC/DC music works best by trial and error, and we are doing more research to see what works best with different species of shark," he says.

Me-NEVERMIND

Finance Minister Penny Wong shut Tasmanian Senator David Bushby the eff down when he uttered a sexist "me-oww" during a heated debate.

I'm sure that he instantly regretted the catty comment, as she promptly fired back,“Oh yes, why don’t you meow when a woman does that?” Wong fired back. “That’s a good idea. Just extraordinary. The blokes are allowed to yell, but if a woman stands her ground, you want to make that kind of comment. It’s sort of schoolyard politics, mate.”

This has sparked debate all across Australia today, stirring Penny into a fit of sexist accusations. Speaking about opposition leader Tony Abbott, she said

"I think there is no doubt that on occasions there are things that Mr Abbott has said, [such as] 'Making an honest woman of the Prime Minister' - and we all know what that generally refers to, and that's making sure the woman's married," Senator Wong said.

"Previously he's said 'when it comes to Julia, no doesn't always mean no', which I personally found pretty distasteful given that it's used in terms of campaigns against rape and sexual assault."

Penny Wong rages, and I see why, but sometimes I appreciate a little "meow"

Vote for Me!

I was in Perth over the weekend to see friends before doing business Monday and Tuesday. Will post pics later, but just wanted to share that my photo was snapped and I am entered in a fashion contest! Ironically though, I will be representing Perth! Click here to see - and if you are so inclined, like the Australian Fashion Guide so that you can like my photo (and maybe I will win!)